So, my dad sent me an e-mail today – me and 11 other friends. He is 81, I am 54, and I bring down the average age of his e-mail recipients considerably, kind of like when I took Cameron (who’s 20) to see Isaiah Sheffer at Symphony Center. The e-mail was a roster of 26 puns. Some were groaners but most were awesome.
My dad loves puns and I do, too. This is evidently a select society, because my friend Ann Marie, who has been a source of much e-mail humor, used to send some jokes ONLY to me and to her friend Steve. She knew the two of us were the only people among her vast network that enjoyed them. (Or perhaps her only friends that were smart enough to get them? Must ponder.) I never met Steve, but I like him.
So here are Dad’s 26 puns. You’ve probably heard some of them, maybe in third grade. They’re still funny. At the end I’ll include my one, favorite pun. (Suspense will keep you reading, right?)
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
My favorite pun: “My best friend’s a insomniac dyslexic agnostic. Yep, he stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.”